Questions of childcare vs kindergarten and what my son thinks

I've had the privilege of having tried a Montessori playgroup, 2 childcare centres and a church kindergarten for my 5 year old son, and probably can answer just a few of the burning questions most mothers facing this dilemma would want to know : Which is better ? Or for Christian families who are comparing the advantage/disadvantage of going to a Christian kindergarten vs a non-Christian environment. And does Montessori matter ?

I'll discuss in the chronological order that I enrolled my son, first it was a Montessori playgroup, then 2 childcare centres, and finally the current church kindergarten and what my son feels about them all. He is a highly expressive boy who can articulate his emotions and thoughts well, and at 4.5 years old, he was able to do these comparisons for himself in a simple but effective way for me to understand what mattered the most to him.

I enrolled my son into a Montessori playgroup when he was 18months till 2.5years old. This centre was a small one, but the principal was very devoted. As the first school, I had nothing to compare, so I assumed it was typical of how Montessori classes would be conducted. But as a working mother without quality help at home, eventually I had to put him in childcare when he turned more active and it just seemed timely for him to enter childcare. Besides, he had no issues with the playgroup and he never shed a tear whenever I left him.

Lil J went to his first childcare at 2.5years old, and I had carefully selected what I thought was a high quality, worthy and caring childcare and I was willing to pay the higher premium fees for the environment, the teachers and everything I thought it was meant to be. In fact, the distance was quite a torture for me, but I was willing to endure the distance if this was considered a good school- one that was loving, caring, stimulating enough and I wanted a Montessori environment again. I will write about my school selection process in a separate article, but most of the points were drawn from an awesome book called "Bright Start".

Unfortunately, this school failed me within the first week, and I pulled him out after 4 days. My 2.5yr old son was looking forward so much to go to school, and he had no issues settling in, but unfortunately the school was not only extremely boring, incompetent, but the teachers in his class just made him and all the existing students feel so unwelcomed that he kept crying of neglect. I was around and I saw everything that happened. Till today, those events still rattle me.  I can't remember if I posted an article on this in a separate forum, but I will look up the link and re-post it here one day.

It took me a month to calm him down and I had to select a second childcare, determined that the childcare system was not at fault, and it was the neglect of that particular school. This second childcare was totally different from the first. It was warm, loving, and on the first day, my son enjoyed it enough to remove his fears and anxiety and he became willing to try childcare again. Again, I hung around the school for a few days, and I was completely satisfied that the programme was far better, the teachers were more patient and the students had more fun and there was quality time for the teachers and students.

Lil J stayed with this childcare for a good 2 years, and I was faced with a strong dilemma of either continuing with them, or to stick to my plans and purposes for life. I had planned to quit my job one day to look after him, and part of that plan, was that I longed for lil J to go to a church kindergarten just as I had, and learn to sing the Christian songs and know God at this early stage. Basically I could not shake off the notion of going to a Christian kinder because the reason I am in this faith, has a lot to do with the foundations I received at this young age, and then again much later in life.

Often my thoughts would swing from one end to the other : keep him in childcare, attend sunday school, teach him Christianity at home. And another time, it would be go to church kinder - he mustn't miss out on what it feels like to have a church kinder childhood and I also wanted him to be a typical kid with all the school holidays. Everything like I had.

(About my childhood :I spent K1 in a govt kinder, and K2 in a church kinder. And till today, the good memories of church kinder has left me such strong impressions but I remember nothing important from the govt kinder)

The push factor was realizing all my nephews were in church kinder and were able to sing all the Christian songs well. And my own son barely knew the songs, and learning about God just on sundays was insufficient. And I wanted him to feel comfortable to be able to sing and talk about God in his surroundings, because as he grows up, it will get harder and harder.

I made that decision, and this year, he started K1 in his current kindergarten. Initially, I was apprehensive if he would take the change well, if he would want to leave his childcare. I brought him kindergarten 'shopping' and looked at several schools with him, explaining to him about changing school. And thankfully he liked the school I had in mind, and he had no issues settling down on the first day of the new year in a new school. We toured the grounds a couple of times, and he was very excited to start and he made friends very easily with everyone - classmates, teachers, cleaners and all.


So, what's the conclusion ? The answer came from my son.

One day, and in fact several times over the months, I would ask him the same question : Which school did he like ? The childcare or the kinder ?

His answer : "My current kindergarten mummy"

"Why?"

"In this school, all the teachers love me. Even when I am naughty, they still love me. But in the childcare, they did not love me. When I am good or naughty, they did not love me .."

My heart tore in pieces hearing that. All the while I thought his previous childcare was doing a fine job because when we parents come and pick our precious ones up, the teachers would be all smiles and the children would look fine. But as I continue to ask my son more probing questions, his answers never wavered. He knew how he was feeling, what he was thinking despite being a 4 year old.

He would describe childcare as being away from home for too long, and often times, his heart was not in school. The teachers are always busy, feeding or bathing kids that they just have less focus on the kids as a person and provide the emotional support, but try to cram in all the learning as the goal than to spend time knowing the heart of the child.

There would be occasional hugs, but he never felt love from the teachers until he came to this church kindergarten. My son is a very active boy and can be very defiant, and he was very testy with his teachers both in the childcare and in the kinder. But he was able to articulate the difference that the current school still love him much in spite of him being naughty. And he said because they love him, he wanted to change.

And he appreciates having school holidays, something he did not have in childcare. He thoroughly enjoys school holidays and realizes it's such a blessing that not all children would have.

As for this church kinder, what made the difference ?

They spend more time teaching values and character, the teachers aren't as stretched looking after the kids the whole day, and the overall mood of the school is one of love, joy, peace. Academically, his previous childcare is way ahead of this school, but overall, character building is much stronger in the Christian kinder.

Everyday, lil J goes to school singing praises, laughing and talking openly about God. I could see within the first few days into his school that he was very very happy. Not just average happy, but extremely happy. He never fail to light up and smile at the thought of going to school. He's really proud of his current school.

Occasionally, I still tease him of going back to his old childcare to visit his friends and teachers, and sometimes I offer to leave him there. He would give me a stubborn "No!" or turn silent for a while, but I could see that his 2 years there, he never built that fierce feeling of endearment as he now has for his current school. In fact, he thinks all the teachers in the previous childcare pale in comparison when it comes to loving him, including his favourite teachers of the past.

I look back at my own childhood - it was a similar experience : there was greater love, peace and joy. Teachers were less hassled, and had more quality time for us as kids. I can still remember some loving touches from the church kinder school. And there was God. Though I never understood all the bible stories, but a lot of values, learning to pray, being in a community of like minded teachers and friends all helped my inner psyche.

My ultimate quest would have been a Christian Montessori kindergarten with a large campus. However, I could not find one around my place that fit this bill. So I chose the next best option of a Christian kindergarten, that had the timing I wanted (afternoon session), a big and fun campus for my active son, adequate teaching both spiritually and academically, daily exposure to mandarin language and easy to commute to on a daily basis.

When I went kindergarten shopping, I was surprised that some kinders did not teach Chinese daily, or perhaps just 30mins a day or 2-3 times a week. And some Christian kinders had only 5mins of devotion a day, which is almost negligible to impart anything spiritual. And some kinders had outdoor activities only once a week if you're lucky. These are some of the additional questions you may want to find out in your search for a kinder around your area.

I'm glad I made the switch. I had deliberated leaving him in his childcare for my convenience so that I would have more time to myself, but I knew deep in my heart, I would always wonder the "what if he had gone to church kinder as I had planned ?"  At least I know the answer, and I'm completely satisfied.

In a future post, I would explain why I feel Montessori is beneficial for my son, and I'm sad to deprive him of it, but I can only try to make up for him since I get to spend time to teach him at home.

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If this article has been useful to you, please leave me a note so that I know if this has helped other parents having similar thoughts. Thanks!

(# My son's current kindergarten is Covenant Kindergarten at Paya Lebar Methodist Church)

7 Secrets of Highly Happy Children

(This article is by Katie Hurley at the HuffPost. You can find the  original post here)

When it comes to kids, people just don't think about happiness enough these days. They think about success. They think in comparisons. They think about milestones, graduations and shiny trophies. The ones they earned, of course. Because, you know, not everyone deserves a trophy these days).

They think about things like redshirting a potential Kindergartener -- not so that he will be happy, but so that he will have an advantage on the playing field or in the classroom.

They think about how many soccer teams a 9-year-old should play on at any given time to increase her odds of getting a full ride to some top-rated college at some point in the future.

They think about the obstacles that make parenting such an exhausting job. Yes, they think a lot about those.

But they don't spend a lot of time thinking about what makes kids happy.

Once upon a time, childhood was filled with endless days spent outside and very little TV. Imaginations ran wild and kids made their own fun with nothing but a few Matchbox cars and an old cardboard box. They played, they learned, and they socialized. But most of all, they had fun.

Life is far too scripted today. Plans are made. Classes are attended. Craft projects are intended to mimic those found on Pinterest. Gone are the days of free play and creating something out of nothing.

Many kids today are simply following a script.

That's not to say that kids aren't happy, because many kids are. Many kids live a life full of adventure and wonder in their own backyards. But many don't. Many simply follow the plan. And that's a shame, because childhood should be all about happiness.

How can we focus on happiness when there is always so much to do? We can start by taking a breath (don't worry, that enormous pile of laundry will wait for you), and then we can take a few cues from happy kids.

7 Secrets of Highly Happy Kids:

1. They eat on time.

I know what you're thinking; that's too simple to be a real parenting strategy. Think again. Have you ever been so hungry that you just wanted to scream? That's how kids feel when they miss a snack or have to wait two hours past their normal mealtime to participate in some super-fancy family dinner.
Eating at regular intervals refuels their growing brains and bodies and keeps hunger under control. When kids are calm and satisfied, they experience greater happiness.

2. They get consistent sleep.

I know, I know, some kids are better sleepers than others. While that's certainly the truth, it isn't an excuse for poor sleep habits. Kids need to learn how to sleep. It's up to us to teach them. When they are completely exhausted, they are cranky. When they are well-rested and ready to embrace the day, they are happier. Make sleep (and a consistent bedtime) a priority.

3. They play without instructions.

Unstructured playtime appears to be a lost art these days. It used to be that kids made their own fun. Today, kids are over-scheduled, dialed in and in awe of toys that essentially do the playing for them. Sure, those garbage trucks with all of the bells and whistles are neat, but be sure to mix in some wooden trucks and building blocks. And, please, take a look at the busy schedule and find some time where your kids can just play each day. Play is good for the soul.

4. They are allowed to express emotions.

Kids yell when they're mad. They cry when they're sad. They might even stomp their feet and run around in circles when they're not sure what to feel. And sometimes, if you're really lucky, they do all of that in the middle of aisle 9 at your friendly neighborhood Target store. Let them. Kids need to express their emotions. While adults know to call a friend to vent when the going gets tough, kids are a bit more primitive. Shushing them and publicly shaming them doesn't help. Let them vent in their own little way and then offer to help. Enduring a public temper tantrum might feel overwhelming in the moment, but it's better than a lifetime of internalizing negative emotions that could lead to eating issues, depression or other emotional problems for your child.

5. They get to make choices.

Kids have very little control over their lives. They are constantly being told where to go, what to do and what to eat. A little bit of control goes a long way toward feeling happy. Let your kids choose their outfits. Allow them to choose the dinner menu one night per week. Ask them what classes they want to take. Give them the opportunity to make some decisions and watch them smile in return.

6. They feel heard.

Kids are intuitive. Even toddlers can tell when parents are tuning them out or answering on autopilot. When kids feel like their parents truly listen to them (about everything from Lightning McQueen's best race to what they learned in school), they feel more connected. This increases their self-confidence and increases their overall happiness. Listen when your children speak. It's the best way to build an open and honest relationship with your child and it makes your child happy.
Are you still with me? Because this last one is important.

7. They experience unconditional love.

Kids mess up. You tell them not to jump off the couch over and over again, but they do it anyway. And then they cry. Because childhood is largely based on trial and error, and sometimes kids just need to take chances. Forgive them. Love them anyway.

When kids know that their parents love and support them no matter what, they are more likely to take healthy risks. They are confident and secure in their decisions. They learn that sometimes people make mistakes, but there is always a chance to right a wrong.

When children know that their parents will always be there for them, for better or for worse, they are happy.

About Myself

I'm currently a Consultant with Alpha Singapore, helping to promote The Parenting Course to various churches, schools and organizations.

I have a very lovely son, and it is because of him that I grow to learn and understand the privilege of being a parent. I hope to share my parenting journey, wonderful articles, important children development information to all parents out there who want the best for their children!